Today is Friday, May 1, 2015. I am officially wrapping up my second week of being a SAHM. I feel a little guilty about today counting, because our beloved nanny has given me a break for a few hours, but I am using this time to run errands (much faster without toddler), work out (does walking to the park every day count?), and have a little bit of me-time to reflect (a lot more precious now).
It’s been an emotional two weeks. My first official day, last Monday, was blissful. We went grocery shopping first thing in the morning: hitting a nearly empty store mid-week was a gift from God compared to the packed parking lots, long lines, and picked over shelves of a Sunday afternoon. We played. And played. And played. Stickers. Balls. Brooms. Trucks. Colors. Bruce figured out how to open the fridge. He also figured out how to push his play-table chair over to the kitchen counter to inspect (and take, and eat) whatever may be sitting out.
I was exhausted. And happy. Really happy. We went to the Children’s Museum and bought an annual membership. We went to the park to see Bruce’s friends. I somehow managed to actually cook meals for Bruce and for Dean and I in the evenings. We even made blueberry muffins for breakfast. And buttermilk biscuits. We were a bit scattered in our schedule and I felt pretty disorganized, but we made it, and overall the week was a success. I definitely felt my patience wear thin once or twice, but this week got even better and I started to feel more a groove with Bruce. I started to feel some semblance of a routine.
Have I thought about work? Every day. Have I missed work? Not even a little.
Despite it all feeling pretty good, and confirming that I’ve definitely made the right decision for myself and us as a family, it’s still been emotional. I think pregnancy hormones probably have a lot to do with this, but I’ve felt more vulnerable. I am acutely aware that I’m now financially dependent on Dean, and that’s a tough pill for me to swallow. I feel like in some ways I have given even more of myself to him, which is simultaneously terrifying and gratifying, because it exhibits just how much love for and trust in him I have.
I know it also puts tremendous pressure on Dean. We’ve had a hard time emotionally connecting these days because of the incredible professional stress he is under right now, so I think we’ve both felt a little isolated. These emotions coupled with the massive life-change I’m currently undergoing has resulted in some sadness and tears. I know it’s temporary, but it’s still hard when your entire existence for the past decade-plus has just done a complete 180 and you don’t feel like you can completely share your feelings with your partner. I’ve had a few of those nights where all you want to do is reach out and touch your husband, but you feel like you can’t.
At the end of the day, this is a major change not just for me and Bruce, but also for Dean. We all have to adjust and find a new normal. And this doesn’t just happen in two weeks. We will get there. Together. The three (and a half) of us.